William Bliss Baker - Fallen Monarchs, 1886
Vicious anarchists prowl the internet, using subliminal messages and psychological tricks to undermine family relationships and to destroy civilized society. Some say that this diabolical conspiracy is responsible for the sub-prime mortgage meltdown, 9/11, the end of Christmas, the cancellation of Firefly and global warming.
Canadian podcaster Stefan Molyneux has reportedly been responsible for producing more than 1,000 podcasts consisting largely of anti-family and anti-government propaganda. He has been personally responsible for the destruction of more than a dozen families. Broadcasting from his suburban hideout in the wilderness of Canada, he targets the young and impressionable, using Web 2.0 technology to subvert their weak and pliant brains.
“Molyneux caused the death of Pope John Paul II,” said an anonymous source. When asked why he wanted his identity shielded, the source said “I am afraid of him. If I were to say everything I know, he might use his psychic abilities to crush my pancreas. What do you think happened to the last Pope?”
The contents of Freedomain Radio chill even the stout hearts of the bravest investigative journalists in Great Britain. Young children and elderly readers in poor health are advised to skip reading these excerpts of the dangerous material available on this website.
“Real Time Relationships” helps you bring the virtue of real honesty into your relationships with your friends, family, colleagues and lovers. Filled with practical examples of how to achieve true intimacy, this book will open your heart to the beauty of love without endless conflicts, resentments and misunderstandings.
The horrors only continue from there. Bill Phelps, chairman and president of the Institute for Mediocre Relationships, had this to say about this cult of intimacy.
“Without endless conflicts, resentment and misunderstandings, my life would become even more boring. My weekly arguments with my wife about the garbage add some spice to my otherwise dreadful life, which is completely devoid of any significance or meaning.”
Freedomain Radio – referred to simply as “FDR” by cult members, similarly to the way that the National Socialist Party of Germany was referred to colloquially as the “Nazi” party by members – also advocates an end to the aggressive use of force. This would put millions of soldiers, policemen and criminals out of work. Their children would likely starve to death in the streets, unable to provide for themselves without organized violence.
How can you shield your children from the destructive influence of global anarchism? Hilda Brutts of the Mind Control Defense Initiative is not hopeful for the future.
“Anarchists are everywhere these days. I would advise wrapping your children tightly in tin foil,” said Brutts. “The foil should reflect most of the mind control waves, but some of them can still penetrate. A steady diet of Quaker Oatmeal supplemented with filtered toilet water can reverse some of the effects.”
If you notice your children watching videos of bald internet men, report them immediately to the local authorities. Once a child catches the dangerous anarchist virus, they may begin spreading the illness to their friends. It is of paramount importance that you lock them up in a small “freedom box” as soon as possible. Destroy any animals still living in the household in case they have caught the mind-virus.
7 Comments
November 16, 2008 at 9:44 pm
This article gave me a good laugh. “The Institute for Mediocre Relationships.”
Thanks!
November 17, 2008 at 12:16 am
Hiiiiiillllllarrrious!
November 17, 2008 at 1:04 am
hahaha…the cult that called of Christmas…..the cult of intimacy
November 17, 2008 at 3:21 am
Quite appropriate.. Quite entertaining. Good Job JC!
November 17, 2008 at 2:52 pm
MMMMMMM, tasty satire.
November 18, 2008 at 2:13 am
Your Sarcasmo-fu is strong, young one. One day, our sarcasms will meet each other on the field of battle, and the world will see a spectacle unlike anything since the Benny Hill + V movie cross-over!
Muuuaaahaaahaaahaaa!
December 13, 2008 at 12:01 pm
[...] Anarchist Mind Control Threatens Foundations of Culture Also, feel free to ask me questions or contact Stef himself if you have any further questions. [...]